My son recently had a crying party; one of those snot-slinging, can't catch my breath, I'm trying to quit but can't meltdowns. M-E-L-T-D-O-W-N. Upset, distraught, emotionally torn.
No he wasn't in the floor of the cereal aisle spinning in circles because he didn't get his way. He wasn't throwing toys at me in the doorway because I told him to clean his room. It was just some twinge that triggered an emotional response. And when I asked him what was wrong he simply couldn't find the words to express why.
It happens to all of us.
So then the questions started firing on all cylinders in my head. Was it something I did? Was it something I said? Am I bad parent? Is this the product of poor decisions made on my part? Have I ignored his mental and emotional check engine light?
"My son is my world! He means everything to me! I won't let anything get between him and me!" It's statements like these and others just like it that I've said, heard from others, and often read on social media from parents just like me.
But I started to realize that I've placed an unfair weight, a heavy burden, on my son that he was never meant to carry. That my happiness, my purpose, and my dreams should be placed on him to satisfy the deepest parts of my being.
Nobody can live up to that; no child, no spouse, no significant other. No career, no car, no other possession.
Singles believe a relationship will cure their loneliness. Students think a career will satisfy their need for purpose. Spouses believe a new relationship or a child will heal the wounds of brokenness and unhappiness. But it doesn't work that way.
These are all crummy gods!
There's something inside all of us that we need. We need to belong and feel accepted. We need to feel safe and secure. We need to be free and able to explore. We need to find purpose and fulfillment.
And we go about this epic search in the wilderness places of this world hoping we will find the answers to all of life's questions. And we make functional saviors out of people, places, and possessions that can never fully satisfy.
We would never admit to bowing down to idols by worshipping anyone or anything like the carved images of Baal, Ashteroth, or even the golden calf, but if we're honest, we spend much of our lives placing our trust in crummy gods like our spouses, children, careers, and awards.
Our lives will never be happy and our souls will never be satisfied until it finds rest in knowing that Jesus Christ is the one and only source that our souls crave. We will never be more accepted, more secure, more free, or more fulfilled until our lives are hidden in Him.
When our identity is found in Christ then our behavior will be a reflection of Him to whom we belong.
Sunday, January 31, 2016
Friday, January 15, 2016
The Art of Conversation
We have conversations everyday, oftentimes with ourselves, where we conjure up a fine presentation of exquisite vocabulary to present facts, express opinions, or simply talk about the weather.
Yet, inevitably our conversations tend to go sideways with spouses, children, friends, co-workers, strangers, and adversaries when our words, spoken softly in one's ear or bouncing loudly off the walls, are misheard.
And what happens when those words are misaligned or misinterpreted? Our differing views lead to sharp disagreements, controversy, and often times angry hearts! We simply do not know how to agree to disagree.
We seldom communicate with others in a way that makes us better for seeing someone else's perspective. We become so arrogant of our own experiences that we believe we're always right or have grander stories to tell. So narrow-minded that we balk at any consideration that others could add value to the conversation.
We see it in politics, business deals, and families talking around the dinner table. Our attempt to push our agenda, to make the deal, or to get our point across can sometimes blur our vision of the person sitting across the room. How do we not only find value in someone's words but also find value in the person we are engaging in the conversation?
Speak Less, Listen More. Engaging in conversation doesn't require giving proposals, clarifying an agenda, or stating a list of demands. Sometimes the best conversations are the ones where we simply let the other person express how they're feeling or share what they're experiencing. Be interested and attentive. Giving them space to share their hopes and dreams can be life-giving.
Speak the Truth. Conversations that require you to choose a side or defend a position can become intense. Speak the truth. Never resort to manipulation or coercion in an attempt to win an argument, but maintain a position of integrity so there's never an opportunity to bring your character into question. The truth always brings validity to the conversation. Always choose honesty over deceit.
Speak in Love. Conversations always occur between people, not ideas. The point of the conversation isn't to outdo, outsmart, or outwit someone else. It's to bridge gaps and build relationships. Speaking the truth is necessary but not at the expense of the friendship. Speak the truth in love. Choose to value the person more than valuing your own words. Hanging our words on the mantle of self-absorption will melt away in the heat of humble circumstances.
As you continue to have conversations consider these ideas. Don't be quick to speak and don't spend so much time mounting up some response when someone else is speaking. When you decide to speak, speak in a way that the truth is shared as your story is told. See others as important. People who have needs and desires and emotions and significance. Learn to value others as your stories collide in a thunderous heap of words!
Yet, inevitably our conversations tend to go sideways with spouses, children, friends, co-workers, strangers, and adversaries when our words, spoken softly in one's ear or bouncing loudly off the walls, are misheard.
And what happens when those words are misaligned or misinterpreted? Our differing views lead to sharp disagreements, controversy, and often times angry hearts! We simply do not know how to agree to disagree.
We seldom communicate with others in a way that makes us better for seeing someone else's perspective. We become so arrogant of our own experiences that we believe we're always right or have grander stories to tell. So narrow-minded that we balk at any consideration that others could add value to the conversation.
We see it in politics, business deals, and families talking around the dinner table. Our attempt to push our agenda, to make the deal, or to get our point across can sometimes blur our vision of the person sitting across the room. How do we not only find value in someone's words but also find value in the person we are engaging in the conversation?
Speak Less, Listen More. Engaging in conversation doesn't require giving proposals, clarifying an agenda, or stating a list of demands. Sometimes the best conversations are the ones where we simply let the other person express how they're feeling or share what they're experiencing. Be interested and attentive. Giving them space to share their hopes and dreams can be life-giving.
Speak the Truth. Conversations that require you to choose a side or defend a position can become intense. Speak the truth. Never resort to manipulation or coercion in an attempt to win an argument, but maintain a position of integrity so there's never an opportunity to bring your character into question. The truth always brings validity to the conversation. Always choose honesty over deceit.
Speak in Love. Conversations always occur between people, not ideas. The point of the conversation isn't to outdo, outsmart, or outwit someone else. It's to bridge gaps and build relationships. Speaking the truth is necessary but not at the expense of the friendship. Speak the truth in love. Choose to value the person more than valuing your own words. Hanging our words on the mantle of self-absorption will melt away in the heat of humble circumstances.
As you continue to have conversations consider these ideas. Don't be quick to speak and don't spend so much time mounting up some response when someone else is speaking. When you decide to speak, speak in a way that the truth is shared as your story is told. See others as important. People who have needs and desires and emotions and significance. Learn to value others as your stories collide in a thunderous heap of words!
Sunday, January 03, 2016
...and a Happy New Year: Humility Overshadows Pride!
What is it that you crave at Christmas gatherings? Traditional ham or turkey dinners? Christmas morning breakfast? Anticipating Santa's arrival with cookies and milk? Admiring the exchange of Christmas gifts? The re-telling of the Christmas story?
We all have our favorite parts of Christmas and New Years celebrations! And sometimes, if we're not careful, we'll lose sight of those around us and place the spotlight on ourselves. Here's what I mean. Christmas is all about Jesus, Santa, or the kids. Yet, there's always somebody else who writes their name in the script and moves into the spotlight of such occasions.
We all know Ryan Seacrest holds the spotlight of Dick Clark's New Year's Bash but someone else is always seeking to become the host of their own little bash in the cul-de-sac of their small town and become the next YouTube sensation.
And so it is, the ongoing question, how do we make for a Happy New Year?
Demand less.
The Christmas story has a fascinating twist that is so counterintuitive of the expectations of society. The people wanted a leader to rise up to provide military, political, and economic success but what they received was a baby born to an unknown family in an unfamiliar way prepared to walk an unlikely path.
Mary, Joseph, the shepherds, the wise men, the innkeeper, and the rest of people in that day had no idea exactly what was taking place the night of Jesus' birth. But here is the unique twist that Christians believe happened that night. Jesus left heaven for earth. And he was on a mission that led him from the cradle to the cross.
You see, when Jesus was born, the Father knew that his siblings would be suspect of him, the Pharisees would test him, a disciple would betray him, and the soldiers would crucify him. Yet, He did not deny His responsibility to find His greatest happiness in unwavering obedience.
But look how drastically different many of our lives will be. We walk through life making demands, giving orders, placing expectations on others that they cannot uphold. No wonder so many people live miserable and frustrated lives. Never good enough for others. Never satisfied with receiving the penultimate gifts of this life.
If we truly want to be happy we must learn to demand less. Be grateful for what we have. See everything in this life as a gift. Realize that we're not as good as we think we are and most definitely not as deserving as we think we should be.
Happiness will be more opportunistic when we learn the difference between rights and responsibilities. Jesus knew the difference. He deserved His seat at the right hand of the Father but He excused Himself from His seat to fulfill a responsibility that would enable us to truly be happy, to find life in Him.
And so it is with you and me. If you want to be happy this year, make less demands. Instead of giving orders, take orders. Instead of priding yourself with being at the top, lower yourself beneath others. Be more like Jesus, who picked up a towel and basin of water, and washed the disciples' feet. He humbled Himself. Happiness always takes the path of humility over pride, every time!
We all have our favorite parts of Christmas and New Years celebrations! And sometimes, if we're not careful, we'll lose sight of those around us and place the spotlight on ourselves. Here's what I mean. Christmas is all about Jesus, Santa, or the kids. Yet, there's always somebody else who writes their name in the script and moves into the spotlight of such occasions.
We all know Ryan Seacrest holds the spotlight of Dick Clark's New Year's Bash but someone else is always seeking to become the host of their own little bash in the cul-de-sac of their small town and become the next YouTube sensation.
And so it is, the ongoing question, how do we make for a Happy New Year?
Demand less.
The Christmas story has a fascinating twist that is so counterintuitive of the expectations of society. The people wanted a leader to rise up to provide military, political, and economic success but what they received was a baby born to an unknown family in an unfamiliar way prepared to walk an unlikely path.
Mary, Joseph, the shepherds, the wise men, the innkeeper, and the rest of people in that day had no idea exactly what was taking place the night of Jesus' birth. But here is the unique twist that Christians believe happened that night. Jesus left heaven for earth. And he was on a mission that led him from the cradle to the cross.
You see, when Jesus was born, the Father knew that his siblings would be suspect of him, the Pharisees would test him, a disciple would betray him, and the soldiers would crucify him. Yet, He did not deny His responsibility to find His greatest happiness in unwavering obedience.
But look how drastically different many of our lives will be. We walk through life making demands, giving orders, placing expectations on others that they cannot uphold. No wonder so many people live miserable and frustrated lives. Never good enough for others. Never satisfied with receiving the penultimate gifts of this life.
If we truly want to be happy we must learn to demand less. Be grateful for what we have. See everything in this life as a gift. Realize that we're not as good as we think we are and most definitely not as deserving as we think we should be.
Happiness will be more opportunistic when we learn the difference between rights and responsibilities. Jesus knew the difference. He deserved His seat at the right hand of the Father but He excused Himself from His seat to fulfill a responsibility that would enable us to truly be happy, to find life in Him.
And so it is with you and me. If you want to be happy this year, make less demands. Instead of giving orders, take orders. Instead of priding yourself with being at the top, lower yourself beneath others. Be more like Jesus, who picked up a towel and basin of water, and washed the disciples' feet. He humbled Himself. Happiness always takes the path of humility over pride, every time!
Friday, January 01, 2016
...and a Happy New Year: Generosity Overshadows Greed!
If you had to choose one character to personify your Christmas experience, who would it be? Clark Griswald, Scrooge, the Grinch, Ralphie, Will Ferrell, Kevin McAllister, Tim Allen, the Kranks...
Is your Christmas experience best summed up by what you get? What you give? How about dodging weird cousin Eddie?
I can see it now. Kids' faces as they open their last gift. Looks of exasperation as if to say, "That's it? That's all it was?" Waiting 364 days for a 2 minute and 49 second moment of frenzy strolling wrapping paper across the room. But the rehearsed lines of 'Merry Christmas' and 'thank you' were completely drowned out by hearts of disappointment.
We all struggle with the frustration of setting high, albeit most likely unmet, expectations that no amount of toys, gadgets, food, or good company can meet.
And the question remains, how do we move from Merry Christmas to a Happy New Year?
Give more.
I'm not making an attempt to calculate or categorize the character of these figures, but consider the this one moment in time as the shepherds and wise men made their way to visit baby Jesus. The star was shone and the journey began. A caravan of individuals bringing gifts of extreme worth, gold, frankincense, and myrrh, clearly not expecting anything in return.
There was no sign of disappointment or exasperation. And it seems there was a sense of happiness and fulfillment provided by their offering and merely sitting around admiring the gift God had brought into the world.
We live in a fast paced world of demands reaching higher and higher for what can be accumulated, accomplished, and approved. Essentially, we live in a world that is teaching us that it is more important to consider what we can receive than what we can give.
But truth be told, our attempts to be satisfied by merely what we possess or have received is a misleading fable told by countless addicts of false happiness. The toys we own, the cars we drive, the houses where we live, the jobs we hold are all secondary to the heart desiring to be happy.
A person set in the direction of happiness must learn to give more, recognizing that what we have is meant to be dispensed in a way that generates a heart of generosity. When our heart looks like an episode of Hoarders we will never feel the freedom and happiness that generosity creates.
Generosity, our willingness to give more, requires discipline. It's not natural. It's not easy. And, at first, it's not always enjoyable. Finding happiness by giving more, thus momentarily having less, seems so counterintuitive. But it's proven to be overwhelmingly rewarding.
Here's three ideas to having a greater awareness for giving more. First, give generously. Don't be stingy with what you have. It's likely that you've been blessed beyond what you deserve so don't be afraid to freely open your hands to give what initially seems unlikely.
Next, give sacrificially. Some of us may understand the phrase "give until it hurts," but most of us have a low tolerance for financial pain. Sacrificial giving becomes a great reminder of the cost required to buy our personal, physical, spiritual freedom and happiness.
Lastly, give joyfully. Begrudging generosity isn't generosity at all. Remember that as you give your heart is being set free from your own kingdom of good works that's collecting moths and rust.
This new year will create a happier version of yourself when you prize others as more important than yourself. And while the importance of others will spur you to let go of what you have for their sake, it's ultimately for your sake. While greed is our attempt to acquire more to be happy, generosity frees our heart to be happy by giving more. So, choose to give more and be happy!
Is your Christmas experience best summed up by what you get? What you give? How about dodging weird cousin Eddie?
I can see it now. Kids' faces as they open their last gift. Looks of exasperation as if to say, "That's it? That's all it was?" Waiting 364 days for a 2 minute and 49 second moment of frenzy strolling wrapping paper across the room. But the rehearsed lines of 'Merry Christmas' and 'thank you' were completely drowned out by hearts of disappointment.
We all struggle with the frustration of setting high, albeit most likely unmet, expectations that no amount of toys, gadgets, food, or good company can meet.
And the question remains, how do we move from Merry Christmas to a Happy New Year?
Give more.
I'm not making an attempt to calculate or categorize the character of these figures, but consider the this one moment in time as the shepherds and wise men made their way to visit baby Jesus. The star was shone and the journey began. A caravan of individuals bringing gifts of extreme worth, gold, frankincense, and myrrh, clearly not expecting anything in return.
There was no sign of disappointment or exasperation. And it seems there was a sense of happiness and fulfillment provided by their offering and merely sitting around admiring the gift God had brought into the world.
We live in a fast paced world of demands reaching higher and higher for what can be accumulated, accomplished, and approved. Essentially, we live in a world that is teaching us that it is more important to consider what we can receive than what we can give.
But truth be told, our attempts to be satisfied by merely what we possess or have received is a misleading fable told by countless addicts of false happiness. The toys we own, the cars we drive, the houses where we live, the jobs we hold are all secondary to the heart desiring to be happy.
A person set in the direction of happiness must learn to give more, recognizing that what we have is meant to be dispensed in a way that generates a heart of generosity. When our heart looks like an episode of Hoarders we will never feel the freedom and happiness that generosity creates.
Generosity, our willingness to give more, requires discipline. It's not natural. It's not easy. And, at first, it's not always enjoyable. Finding happiness by giving more, thus momentarily having less, seems so counterintuitive. But it's proven to be overwhelmingly rewarding.
Here's three ideas to having a greater awareness for giving more. First, give generously. Don't be stingy with what you have. It's likely that you've been blessed beyond what you deserve so don't be afraid to freely open your hands to give what initially seems unlikely.
Next, give sacrificially. Some of us may understand the phrase "give until it hurts," but most of us have a low tolerance for financial pain. Sacrificial giving becomes a great reminder of the cost required to buy our personal, physical, spiritual freedom and happiness.
Lastly, give joyfully. Begrudging generosity isn't generosity at all. Remember that as you give your heart is being set free from your own kingdom of good works that's collecting moths and rust.
This new year will create a happier version of yourself when you prize others as more important than yourself. And while the importance of others will spur you to let go of what you have for their sake, it's ultimately for your sake. While greed is our attempt to acquire more to be happy, generosity frees our heart to be happy by giving more. So, choose to give more and be happy!
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