Fight or Flight

I'm a runner.

When talking with people about the weather or sports occasionally the subject of diet and exercise comes up and they make assumptions like, "Oh, you must be in really good shape."

Yes my hairstyle makes me more aerodynamic and yes I have a high metabolism. But if you think I'm cranking out countless miles on a treadmill at the gym, weaving in and out of traffic around town, or dodging trees through the woods, I'm sorry. But you're wrong.

I'm not in great shape but I can definitely play the part. There are other areas that we can all play the part as well. And one area I often try to play the part is relational conflict. When it comes to conflict in relationships we can choose fight or flight.

Remember, I said I was a runner. Not on the steady incline of some machine or the winding trails in the great outdoors. Mainly just from conversations that begin escalating from differing opinions and dodging words that cut deep to the heart.

I'm not the Rocky Balboa of relationships where I stand in there and take the punches looking to hold out for victory in the final round. I'm more like the Usain Bolt of conflict. When conflict arises, I jet.

The real question isn't do we fight or flight; it's, what are we doing to resolve the conflict.

This is for the fighters. Listen. This is for those who want to go the distance. What if you just stand in there and listen? Not contemplating your next move. The next phrase that will set the conversation on edge. No retaliation. No points to be counted. Not looking to see who wins this round. Just listen.

Begin to consider how and why they feel the way they do. Why they see the situation the way they do. What about their past and present circumstances are causing them to respond the way they are. It doesn't mean they're right. It simply means that their words, feelings, and thoughts are valuable. To you.

Then apologize. Perhaps you've stood there before throwing shot after shot with verbal jabs toward your opponent. Now it's time to own your part. Own your mistakes. Your selfish words. The bitterness that's rooted deep down inside that's been leading you to fight. And apologize.

Your offensive weapon of words isn't meant to beat down or crush spirits in this moment. It's meant for restoration. And it begins by choosing to admit your own faults. To apologize. To repent. Will it be easy? Certainly not. But that's the best response for resolving conflict and reconciling your relationships.

And to the runners; forgive and speak the truth. Flight should not be option numero uno. Stand in the gap. Relationships won't grow with gaps. "But you don't know what they've done?" You're right; I don't. But I know what we've all done to ruin the most important relationship we could ever have.

We all have faults. And our primary job is not to point out the speck in others' eyes. It's to remove the log of wrongdoing from our own eyes. Start by forgiving yourself. Sure, their words and actions can cut deeply. But our own internal accusations of ourselves can be just as damaging.

Avoiding conflict or running from the circumstances that simply add more baggage to the emotional suitcase we're carrying will only weigh us down even more. You've guarded against the emotional angst as best you can and now it's your turn. Stop. Forgive. Then, speak the truth. Start with you. Not them. Your attitude. Not theirs. Your hang-ups and bad habits. Not theirs.

Forgiving and speaking the truth keeps us in the fight. When we forgive others we free ourselves and when we speak the truth it provides a stronger bond to endure the next moment of conflict in our future. No more running. No more avoiding the situation. No more refusing to acknowledge the need for forgiveness and truth.

In most instances we have developed conflict management mechanisms to fight or flight by repeatedly choosing one or the other in past experiences. In either case, both require the necessity of change.

For the fighters, listen and apologize. But empty apologies void of true change are worthless. For the flighters, forgive and speak the truth. To remain bitter or never address the real issues by speaking the truth will cause the cycle of unresolved conflict to continue. There must be change. Where conflict is present, may grace and the desire for reconciliation be present all the more.

Disclaimer: While conflict is a natural part of all relationships, please know that abusive relationships are not. This topic in no way condones the emotional or physical abuse of another person. Conflict arises when differing views are shared. Verbal and physical dominance to control or manipulate others in relationships should not be expected or accepted. If you are in an abusive situation please seek professional help or contact local authorities.