Several years ago my life ran off the tracks of my own expectations. And there I was crashing and burning in the ditches of relational strife with God nowhere to be seen.
I begged God. I blamed God. I even tried to buy God off.
I gave him what I thought to be my A-list resume of good deeds and behavior; how nobody should ever have to go through that or feel this way.
I told Him I would do A if He would do B. And after many failed attempts to put the pieces back together I'm pretty sure I screamed obscenities in the direction of His seemingly deaf ear to my desperate pleas to change my situation.
And wouldn't you know it, He didn't heed to my attempts of manipulation at all. My ultimatums to fix the situation seemed to hit the ceiling and come crashing back down on the soul that had become numb to real intimacy.
And as the years go by I'm realizing that He's not interested in tallying the score of our deeds. He's not all that concerned with making sure we are comfortable with life's trinkets and toys. He's really not even placing the highest priority on our following all of the Bible's commands.
He's placing a priority on love. And I'll be honest, I'm terrible at love.
Well, maybe that's not fair to say. That I'm terrible at love. I do love me. I care for me well. I serve me well. I put my interests at the top of my priority list. In most instances, I'm willing to do just about anything to appease me.
Back to my life running off the tracks...
Maybe my perspective of love; self-love, wasn't really love at all. Maybe it's just a fabrication of love; self-centeredness in disguise. Dressed in a horrible wardrobe and all kinds of dysfunction on display for the world to see.
But what God has begun doing is exposing something woven into the deepest parts of my being.
What's most important; who's most important.
And it's still a work in progress. That's evident to the people who know me well.
Nevertheless, I will continue to fight this fight each and every day. This fight of believing that I'm most important. That I matter most. That my comforts and circumstances take priority over others.
Realizing that God scoffs at my manipulative behavior and ultimatums to change my situations.
So, have the wheels of my life found the tracks again? I think so. There's still tension. Sparks still fly. It's not the well-oiled life I thought I was living. But's it's moving forward. And it's producing change.
God created this world and called people to Himself for one purpose; to become more like His Son. He has no intention of letting us as His people continue living with a misguided, misinformed view of mission.
He sent His Son to bear the ultimate display of mission; a self-less, others-focused act of unconditional love. The trajectory of His love was uninhibited by any and all circumstances. No amount of sacrifice, inconvenience, or preference could de-rail His mission to declare to all the world the love He had for them.
When He could have very easily petitioned to His Father to change the course of His eternal plan, He didn't. Because His love flowed much deeper than the momentary circumstances of His affliction.
His willingness to endure the wrath of God and the anguish He felt from the hands of sinful men led to a forgiveness and freedom for us to experience that otherwise would have been void apart from His submission and obedience.
And our response to this great act of love; His sacrifice, is to surrender our lives and direct our love to the greatest lover we have ever come to know. And rather than hanging our condition-filled love in the balance of our circumstances, we should trust that what He is doing in our lives is producing an immeasurable weight of glory that is incomparable with any obstacle in our life that He is using to make us more like His Son.
So, when you think your life is running off the tracks, remember, He has every intention of using those circumstances to produce something incredible. While it may not be enjoyable, don't lost heart. He's making something new!
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